deviant art

Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
[x]
Download File
HTML, 1.6 KB
more ▶

More from *CaitiDuttry

Featured in Groups:

Details

July 6, 2009
1.6 KB
Thumb

Statistics

Comments: 38
Favourites: 23 [who?]

Views: 1,303 (0 today)
Downloads: 66 (0 today)

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
[x]
Dear Adam:

I have thought about your formation
And mine – a glorious rib, extracted.
I have examined your godly ribs,
Found nothing Christian.
I swear on the saints, I searched.

You are part deity, but a Grecian one:
An ancient and anonymous bust of marble,
Stone-cold, unsmiling.
I looked for you in myths and I found silence.

You must be part creature:
I thought I'd uncovered you part-by-part
From fetid swamplands, pale and sinewy,
Grasped by roots of blackened trees
Whose branches writhed, serpentine, above.
I thought you struggled there, caged –
Or maybe that was me,
And you did the finding.
Does that make you a savior?

Perhaps you are some breed of conqueror.;
You have indeed taken certain temples.
Each holy edifice you desired
Not for the crumbling of cathedral walls,
But for repose upon the pews within.
Holy water stains the floor;
Windows lie in vibrant shards;
Your spoils sparkle and smell of incense.

Above all, you are part human.
This was the most shocking discovery:
You are of my swampy wasteland!
It manifested itself in your rhythmic chest,
In the way that your stony ribs rose
And fell, undulating and pale.
And a hand –
A sinning hand, a fallible, beauteous, mortal human hand,
Searched for mine, but

My dear Adam:
You had the apple all along.
:iconcaitiduttry:
Okay. 11/22/10
This is going to be published in Aegis, the University of New Hampshire literary magazine.
And I think I might be done with it!




9/2/09: thank you so much for the DLD! (feat: [link])
I edited it yet again... never done! :aww:
10/31: changed end
3/13: seriously changed it. Seriously.
5/29: changed it more. :)
9/4/10
been working on this for over a year. :)

10/10/10
yet another update! I've changed it a million times, I can't stop! I want to find the original version & post it because it's hilarious.
I'm going to submit this to the UNH literary magazine I think.
I got rid of all that lover bullshit.
is it confusing? here's a quick summary:
"I thought you were the greatest thing on earth, even above God and whatnot. The more I knew you the more obsessive and self-deprecating I got! Look at my uncertainty and whatnot. Well, I had a grand old time figuring out who you are. Oh, shit, now that I know, I realized that you're not all that great. Hope you liked my ridiculous amount of allusions and the slightly unchristian feminism I tried to throw in there. kthxbye"
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkneelingglory:
Hello again :)

I love that you keep coming back to edit this poem. It is SO much better from the first time I read it. Almost a new poem. I do have a few places that might do well with some editing, and I only come back to tell you so because I think this piece is wonderful and I want to see it be magnificent!

First, in that first stanza, I'm a bit confused about the line "Our Lord's glorious rib, extracted." because according to biblical mythology, God extracted a rib from Adam to create Eve. Adam was actually constructed from the earth. But, then the line "found nothing Christian" pops up, so perhaps that was intentional? I'm not sure.

I really like the third strophe. It adds a wonderful dimension to the entire piece. I'm not very fond of "I thought" in the second line, though. I think that line, and the stanza, read stronger without it. Consider this:

You must be part creature:
I uncovered you part-by-part
from fetid swamplands, pale and sinewy...


Words like 'some' are very general and vague and don't really fit with the very specific language you have in that area (grasping roots, blackened trees, etc) so I took it out.

Also, I think "But maybe that was me/ and you did the finding" should be it's own strophe. It adds some needed emphasis to that idea.

I don't think the 4th strophe needs to be shortened. I'd take 'certain' out of the first line. It throws off the flow for me when reading aloud, and I don't see what it adds to the poem. "But for the repose upon the soft pews within" stuck out to me as a particularly lovely image.

I think the 5th strophe could use some lengthening. Lovers are more than soft-lidded eyes and pretty lips. They're energy, drama, excitement. Or, at least, they ought to be :P You do a great job of exploring the other facets of this Adam, so I'm left disappointed in so little detail given to this most elemental side of him.

I think "Above all, you are part human" is another line that could stand alone as its own strophe. Again, it adds that little bit of extra impact. The rest of the 6th strophe is gorgeous. I especially liked the reminder of swamplands from earlier in the piece, though the word 'swampish' feels odd on the tongue.

The last line has too many descriptions of the apple. The apple is so well known in Western (and probably much of Eastern) culture that I don't think you need to give us so much detail. Simply stating "I will not have that apple" should be sufficient. Let the audience put their own interpretations on just how the apple looks. That's what makes for a good interactive reading experience, in my opinion.

And again, I really love this piece. :heart:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

love 1 1 joy 0 0 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconkneelingglory:
:iconwalooplz: I came by again to see what you'd done with it and OMG! It's bloody fantastic! I hope your publishing endeavors work out. :heart: This poem is surely worth some print. :D
Reply
:iconcaitiduttry:
*CaitiDuttry Nov 22, 2010  Student General Artist
:hug: Thank you so much! It was selected for my college's literary magazine and I'm tempted to send it to other literary journals... just to get a feel for trying to get published.

I really appreciate your encouragement! :)
Reply
:iconkiraitachi:
Mood: Wow! ~kiraitachi Oct 17, 2010  Student Digital Artist
Wow caiti....u amazed me.....im speechless right now...O.O
Reply
:iconcaitiduttry:
*CaitiDuttry Oct 17, 2010  Student General Artist
aww thanks adel! :aww:
Reply
:icondarkhairedangel:
Aside from the whole rib confusion thing, I really love this piece just the way it is now. :heart: But KneelingGlory did give some good tips.
Reply
:iconcaitiduttry:
*CaitiDuttry Mar 31, 2010  Student General Artist
she did :)

thank you very much! I'm glad you like it :heart:
Reply
:iconthetaoofchaos:
`thetaoofchaos Sep 5, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
"Your conquering embrace softened- just slightly -
And a human hand, immaculate from between lashes,
A sinning hand, a fallible, beauteous, mortal human hand,
Searched for mine "

:heart: this
Reply
:iconcaitiduttry:
*CaitiDuttry Sep 5, 2009  Student General Artist
:aww:
thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:icongedwaylem:
really stunningly
epic and pieces of many other things,
and yet wonderfully whole.

i like it.
Reply
:iconcaitiduttry:
*CaitiDuttry Sep 2, 2009  Student General Artist
thanks so much! :heart:
Reply
Add a Comment: