Dear Adam:
I have thought about your formation
And mine a glorious rib, extracted.
I have examined your godly ribs,
Found nothing Christian.
I swear on the saints, I searched.
You are part deity, but a Grecian one:
An ancient and anonymous bust of marble,
Stone-cold, unsmiling.
I looked for you in myths and I found silence.
You must be part creature:
I thought I'd uncovered you part-by-part
From fetid swamplands, pale and sinewy,
Grasped by roots of blackened trees
Whose branches writhed, serpentine, above.
I thought you struggled there, caged
Or maybe that was me,
And you did the finding.
Does that make you a savior?
Perhaps you are some breed of conqueror.;
You have indeed taken certain temples.
Each holy edifice you desired
Not for the crumbling of cathedral walls,
But for repose upon the pews within.
Holy water stains the floor;
Windows lie in vibrant shards;
Your spoils sparkle and smell of incense.
Above all, you are part human.
This was the most shocking discovery:
You are of my swampy wasteland!
It manifested itself in your rhythmic chest,
In the way that your stony ribs rose
And fell, undulating and pale.
And a hand
A sinning hand, a fallible, beauteous, mortal human hand,
Searched for mine, but
My dear Adam:
You had the apple all along.
I love that you keep coming back to edit this poem. It is SO much better from the first time I read it. Almost a new poem. I do have a few places that might do well with some editing, and I only come back to tell you so because I think this piece is wonderful and I want to see it be magnificent!
First, in that first stanza, I'm a bit confused about the line "Our Lord's glorious rib, extracted." because according to biblical mythology, God extracted a rib from Adam to create Eve. Adam was actually constructed from the earth. But, then the line "found nothing Christian" pops up, so perhaps that was intentional? I'm not sure.
I really like the third strophe. It adds a wonderful dimension to the entire piece. I'm not very fond of "I thought" in the second line, though. I think that line, and the stanza, read stronger without it. Consider this:
You must be part creature:
I uncovered you part-by-part
from fetid swamplands, pale and sinewy...
Words like 'some' are very general and vague and don't really fit with the very specific language you have in that area (grasping roots, blackened trees, etc) so I took it out.
Also, I think "But maybe that was me/ and you did the finding" should be it's own strophe. It adds some needed emphasis to that idea.
I don't think the 4th strophe needs to be shortened. I'd take 'certain' out of the first line. It throws off the flow for me when reading aloud, and I don't see what it adds to the poem. "But for the repose upon the soft pews within" stuck out to me as a particularly lovely image.
I think the 5th strophe could use some lengthening. Lovers are more than soft-lidded eyes and pretty lips. They're energy, drama, excitement. Or, at least, they ought to be
I think "Above all, you are part human" is another line that could stand alone as its own strophe. Again, it adds that little bit of extra impact. The rest of the 6th strophe is gorgeous. I especially liked the reminder of swamplands from earlier in the piece, though the word 'swampish' feels odd on the tongue.
The last line has too many descriptions of the apple. The apple is so well known in Western (and probably much of Eastern) culture that I don't think you need to give us so much detail. Simply stating "I will not have that apple" should be sufficient. Let the audience put their own interpretations on just how the apple looks. That's what makes for a good interactive reading experience, in my opinion.
And again, I really love this piece.
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